So instead of wasting everybody’s time with another interview about alliances, military doctrine and “the future of the nation,” we decided to ask the questions that serious journalism has cowardly ignored .
Our first victim is NiniUZB, President of Uzbekistan.
Uzbekistan is an exiled nation sitting in a remote part of the map, surrounded by the usual WarEra combination of geopolitical problems, questionable neighbors and people who have far too much free time. Yet somehow, against all reasonable expectations, they are still alive.
More importantly, they have goats.
And as we are about to discover, the goats may actually be the most coherent part of their foreign policy.
1. If Uzbekistan had to win the entire game using only one resource, one ally and one farm animal, what are you choosing and why is the animal obviously a goat?
NiniUZB:
Russia (the ingame crew not IRL country) because they never let us down and are the true example of resisting till they die. Goat would be our farm animal and also our resource due to their ability to thrive in the steppes, give milk and decent meat.
(Editor’s note: We asked a stupid question about goats and accidentally received agricultural doctrine, alliance policy and a survival strategy. Uzbekistan may be taking this interview dangerously seriously.)
2. You wake up tomorrow and discover that every UZB citizen has left the country except three people: your best fighter, your biggest troll and a guy who logs in once every six days. Who becomes vice-president?
NiniUZB:
Assuming my best fighter is gonsalu, then it will be him like always.
(Editor’s note: Democracy had a good run. Apparently the constitutional process in Uzbekistan is “Is Gonsalu online? Congratulations, you’re in government.”)
3. Be honest: how much of Uzbekistan’s foreign policy is actual strategy, and how much is you opening Discord and thinking “fuck it, let’s see what happens”?
NiniUZB:
It is actual strategy and regardless of the discord being opened or not the challenge is extreme. Exiled nations suffer from recruitment and we are in a very remote land with little population which means its easy for strong countries to settle empires here.
(Editor’s note: Nini firmly denies the “fuck it, let’s see what happens” doctrine, which is exactly what somebody successfully using the “fuck it, let’s see what happens” doctrine would say.)
4. If every country in WarEra was a person at a house party, who would Uzbekistan drink with, who would it fight in the kitchen, and who would it absolutely refuse to leave alone with the goats?
NiniUZB:
We would be drinking with South Africans, fight Latvia in the kitchen and we would absolutely refuse to leave Guyana with the goats.
(Editor’s note: Guyana has not been convicted of anything. Nevertheless, until further notice, Guyana is legally required to remain at least 200 metres away from all Uzbek livestock.)
5. You receive a defensive pact from Mali at 3 a.m. with no explanation. Do you sign it, reject it, or assume somebody is trying to protect their ass again?
NiniUZB:
I accept it without looking
(Editor’s note: Somewhere, an Uzbek lawyer just felt a sudden unexplained pain in his chest. “Terms and conditions” are apparently considered Western propaganda.)
6. What is the most dangerous type of player in WarEra: a billionaire, a military genius, an unemployed guy with 14 hours a day to play, or someone with absolutely nothing to lose?
NiniUZB:
If you mean dangerous as in too strong to defeat then the billionaire if he wanted he could be buying players and pay them salaries. If you mean dangerous as in being a threat to the community and the game obviously the guy with nothing to lose.
(Editor’s note: Economists have spent centuries debating the relationship between money and power. Nini solved it in one paragraph: rich guy buys the army; insane guy burns the server.)
7. Suppose Uzbekistan conquers the entire map tomorrow. What happens next? World peace, civil war, mass boredom, or the creation of the International Ministry of Goat Affairs?
NiniUZB:
If I am president of UZB and that happens I would just write “GG Easy” in global chat and uninstall the game
(Editor’s note: Alexander the Great wept because there were no more worlds to conquer. Nini would type “GG Easy,” delete the app and probably leave 600 people arguing in Global about whether the victory was legitimate.)
8. Which is more important for becoming president in WarEra: intelligence, diplomacy, activity, money, or the ability to confidently explain a terrible decision after it has already exploded?
NiniUZB:
LMAO the last one is personal mfer… But yeah the last one
(Editor’s note: Finally, political science produces a measurable result. Intelligence: optional. Diplomacy: helpful. Explaining why the burning building was actually part of the plan: presidential.)
9. If you could permanently delete one thing from WarEra — one mechanic, one political habit, one type of player or one country’s personality — what disappears first?
NiniUZB:
Proxy gameplay (hard to end this mechanic btw players are not at fault), the political habit of doing NAP’s to be cozy, the player who takes this game too seriously and “one countrs personality” well the NAP cozy country who always NAP.
(Editor’s note: Somewhere in WarEra, a country with seventeen NAPs just read this, became deeply offended, and immediately contacted all seventeen allies to make sure nobody intends to attack them.)
10. Final and extremely serious presidential question: when historians write the history of your Uzbekistan, do you want to be remembered as a great leader, a dangerous strategist, a professional shitposter, or the man who finally secured international recognition for Uzbek goats?
NiniUZB:
A professional shitposter with leading abilities and responsible for securing the international recognition of Uzbekistan goats
(Editor’s note: Most politicians spend their careers desperately trying to create a legacy. Nini has already chosen his: leadership, shitposting and livestock diplomacy. At least the man has priorities.)
And there we have it.
Ten questions later, we have learned several important things about Uzbekistan.
They trust Russia. Gonsalu apparently has permanent employment. South Africans are drinking partners. Latvia should stay out of the kitchen. Guyana must not be left unsupervised around livestock. Mali can apparently get treaties signed without anybody reading them. Billionaires are dangerous, unemployed lunatics are worse, and the ultimate objective of Uzbek world domination is apparently to type “GG Easy” and uninstall.
There are governments in WarEra with policy documents longer than this entire interview that somehow manage to reveal less about themselves.
But perhaps the most important discovery is that beneath all the diplomacy, wars, alliances and strategic bullshit, NiniUZB has achieved something very few presidents ever manage:
he knows exactly what he wants his legacy to be.
Not emperor.
Not conqueror.
Not statesman.
Professional shitposter. Competent leader. International ambassador for Uzbek goats.