You met me at a very strange time in my life.
I was playing Rust a lot back in the day.
Up at 3 AM, SEA server. Wait until Rust-sunset and then I'd cook sahur.
Protein shake at 5 AM. I'd chat with my husband until he goes back to bed or work. Then continue playing at dawn.
I was even taking paid time off around CNY holidays to play for a full week. Normally I'd save these periods to travel somewhere.
My hubby one day saw me teabagging strangers and said, "It's Ramadan. Find a more halal game la, Rin."
So I saw this post on r/GamersMY. It was this good old genre that I retired from a long time ago. Politics, wars, diplomacy, the same lies everyone calls a NAP.
There was a lot of emphasis on native players, thanks to the previous administration.
Was I "native Malaysian" enough? Legally, I was born in a citizenship gray area.
Rin has been around for a decade. Rin has been Syrian, British, Australian, Vietnamese, Malaysian.
I couldn't fake being Japanese for more than an hour. I faked being Arab for a few months until a Qatari shared some memes I couldn't get.
But I faked being Malaysian for decades.
Could I pass off as Malaysian to Malaysians in a game like this? Right under the paranoid noses of Perseus and AjaX?
I think I did better than I would IRL.
I don't look Malay. I don't sound Malay. I had to learn to be my race like it was some kind of skill.
Even now I find myself defensively speaking Malay whenever someone looks at me and asks, "So how long do you plan to be in Malaysia?"
I hardly had to convince anyone in here but myself.
I joined the game on a burner account on a burner phone because it looked like some vibe coded crap. Sorry, vatou.
It's the same Discord I use to jailbreak AI, go into shady Mr Beast servers, and roleplay with strangers.
I never meant to stay this long.
But it was fun. We had our wars, our stupid arguments, our midnight emergencies.
I got to put the mask on again.
Unfortunately, I don't see much of a future for this game anymore.
I really love and respect some of the mods. Whereas many of them are like having the worst prisoners guard the prison. The bar has to be a lot higher.
Games like these are about community. Who really cares about winning and losing, it's all about who you're with and whether the rules feel fair.
Go ahead and win by skill. Even win with unfair advantages like being first or being born in a country of people who love the genre.
What shouldn't happen is trying to win by driving other players out of the game.
For the Malaysians, I hope you have what you need to carve your own footprint through this world. Do things your way. Malaysia boleh.
For the allies and the enemies, I hope I have been an entertaining antagonist. Forgive me for all the psychotic moments and the mean girl streaks. It's all a performance, nothing personal. I've mellowed down a lot over the decades, but hopefully I inspired someone as intense as I used to be.
If I made you laugh, cry, lose sleep, or lose your job… good.
The fake worlds remind us that the real world is fake.
We all die. Eventually.
I could just stop logging in. Maybe come back. That's what normal people do.
But since when have I ever done anything normally?
I'd rather dismember every piece of myself and dissolve it. Give away what I can. Leave nothing worth coming back for.
Like a caterpillar digesting itself in a chrysalis. Burying itself in a distant land.
If you seek self-destruction, I'm on the rooftops of Tamarind on some weekdays.
Anyway,
Your Fukouna Girl,
Rin Misaki