A dark day in history, a stark warning for the future

The darkest of times ever to be inflicted upon the Irish nation, is, without a doubt, the purging of Irish buckfast

The Irish variant of Buckfast was briefly used as a symbol representing the Irish Citizen Army. This energising substance was fondly referred to by revolutionaries as "wreck the hoose juice". A moniker which alluded to their staunch opposition to the House of Lords.

The Irish Citizen Army eventually settled on the Plough and the Stars, a logo crafted to taunt Sir Edward Henry Carson, after it became known that "Big" Jim Larkin ploughed Carsons Ma in the fields adjacent to the Carson estate on a clear and starry night.

The passing of the Irish Republic act 1948 was a resounding declaration that when asked to choose between nationalised healthcare and Irish Buckie, the answer was a resounding "without buckfast, I wouldn't need to go to hospital in the first place". The founding of the NHS in 1948 was widely regarded by British workers to be a poor consolation prize.

Much like the contemporary tradition of Irish envoys offering shamrocks to U.S. presidents, Irish representatives were dispatched on diplomatic missions to festivals in England every summer. These saintly visitors would arrive with suicases filled with buckfast, declaring, in the face of our brethren, that "we intend no war against the people of England — our war is against the aristocratic locusts, whether English or Irish, who have eaten the verdure of our fields — against the aristocratic leeches who drain alike our blood and theirs.'

Irish buckfast was sold in brown bottles and contained a seductively high caffeine content, 60mg/100ml, similar caffeine content to an espresso.

This glorious elixir was cruelly snatched from the shelves and replaced with the inferior UK buckfast variant.

The pleasing iconic aesthetic of the UKs green bottle exists as a clever trick to distract the consumer from its comparatively low caffeine content (32mg/100ml).

Karl Marx once said "the productive forces are the result of man's practical energy, but that energy is in turn circumscribed by the conditions in which the caffeine content of his beverage is reduced. Alienating the worker from the product he creates. Their emancipation requires the abolition of class society, which in turn requires a highly caffinated alcoholic beverage"

Without buckfast, wages have stagnated, the costs of living have skyrocketed, communities are fractured and nobody has the energy to resist the crushing imposition of the ruling classes.

Why did the Dáil allow this malady to be inflicted upon the people they supposedly represent? Pure greed...and cocaine.

Cocaine lobbyists have been influencing the Irish government and corrupting the nation. Without Irish buckfast, the Irish populace was left exhausted.

Desperate to keep the sesh going, they were left with no choice, but to buy a bag or 2 every night out.

Cocaine sales skyrocketed, while the productivity of the Irish workforce plummetted.

Hapless workers desperately tried to mitigate the stifling lethargy by redirecting their funds to purchace cocaine to selflessly fuel productivity in their country. Their meagre allowances were incapable of suporting this pricey powdered buckfast alternative.

€900,000 was earmarked to create a state of the art children's hospital. This original pricetag accounted for the materials, the staff training, the labour cost and the buckfast the workers would require to complete the job. After this work of economic sabotage, the cocaine expenses drove up costs to their current figure, €2.2 billion and rising. The childrens hospital remains unbuilt.

Now the sickly sober children of Ireland face a new approaching threat, the mysterious Kaiju, known only as "the Giant". This imposing danger is rapidly approaching George's Dock. Ireland, the land of saints and scholars, up until this point, acted as a shield against such threats, but, without buckfast, the benevolent forces that protected mainland Europe will be no more.