Bagoong Bulletin #4 - Indonesians Relocated by The Federation
Indonesia to Be Relocated to Kalimantan Reservation by The Federation
Ililipat ng Pederasyon ang Indonesia sa Reserbasyon ng Kalimantan
The Federation has announced plans to downsize Indonesia to just Kalimantan, citing "efficiency" and "better resource management." The rest of the archipelago will reportedly be repurposed for "more productive uses," such as luxury resorts, a new logistical warehouse for The Federation, and a giant theme park dedicated to bagoong (fermented fish paste).
"A Generous Offer"
According to an unnamed Federation official, this is not an eviction but rather a "generous offer" to consolidate Indonesia into a "cozy, manageable reservation" in Kalimantan. "We’re giving them a home, a beautiful, forested home where they can enjoy nature, fresh air, and each other’s company," the official stated. "And don’t worry, we’ll even throw in a few warungs (eateries) for authenticity."
Indonesian officials were reportedly too busy arguing over which province gets to keep the last nasi goreng recipe to respond to the announcement.
What’s Next for the Displaced?
The Federation has assured the public that the transition will be smooth. "We’ve already started building the Kalimantan Reservation, complete with:
One (1) traditional rumah adat (shared among all Indonesians).
A single tokek (gecko) for good luck (to be passed around).
Free sambal rations (limited to one bottle per family, per decade).
A daily cultural performance (mandatory attendance for all residents).
International Reactions
Neighboring countries have reacted with a mix of amusement and concern:
Malaysia: "Finally, someone’s doing something about the haze."
Singapore: "Can we get a reservation too? Ours will have air conditioning."
Brunei: "Wait, a, minute!"
Indonesians Speak Out
Social media has exploded with reactions:
"But what about Bali?!" – @ConfusedInDenpasar
"I don’t even live in Kalimantan. Does this mean I’m homeless now?" – @JakartaKid23
Previous Bagoong Bulletin articles:
https://app.warera.io/article/6a09884e6785c036a3116439https://app.warera.io/article/6a08b3a1f3514ab121594f43
https://app.warera.io/article/6a08326a950f808efb8ec0ca
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