Being transgender and HRT

Since I was asked so nicely by a fellow trans sister on here, I´ll continue sharing some experiences about being trans, this time I´ll mainly focus on my experience with HRT (Hormone Replacement Therapy).

For me, actually going to a pharmacy with my first prescription in hand was horrifying. I hadn´t completed my laser appointments, my hair wasn´t "long enough" and I would not dare go near make-up. I didn´t want to make a scene. And I was scared.

So after gathering courage for 2 weeks I entered my first pharmacy. My heart was beating so fast I thought it would jump out of my chest. As I talked to the pharmacist my fears became reality:

They became agressive when they heard "me" asking for estrogen and t-blockers. It took several pharmacies. Some tried to keep my prescription. One even yelled at me. But! I found allies, and soon enough I had estrogen in hand, and blockers.

Silly thing, this medicine. Here I´ve not been able to look myself in the mirror for years, and somehow this was supposed to help? The blocker comes in pill-form. 50mg pills. I´m told to take 12.5mg every other day. The pill can only be snapped in half, and after that they´re brittle as fuck. You try to figure that out, but I´ve become an expert with my kitchen knife at this point. Appaerently there´s this thing called a "pill-cutter" people can buy, but that´s for people with higher IQ than mine.

Lastly we have the estrogen itself. It can come in many forms, patches, pills, syringe, implant or gel. I was prescribed the gel. 2mg in the morning, and 1mg in the evening, totalling to 3 sachet per day.

I remember pacing around in my kitchen. Back and forth. Should I take it, or should I not. But then I realised that what was scaring me wasn´t if I wasn´t trans or not, but what other people would do/think.

But other people don´t have to live with my mind. My dysphoria. My gray world, where just surviving was a daily herculean feat.

So I applied the gel and I took my blocker. And I haven´t missed a day since. Took a few weeks, but the lifelong depression and axiety went away.

Colour started returning to the world. Oh how I had missed this, and somehow even forgotten. Running around as a child when everything was colorful. When I could cry, laugh and just fucking breathe.

It all returned, eventually. And so many other things.

I realise many of my trans sisters are on the fence about hormones and blockers. Everyones transition looks different, that also goes for my trans brothers. Maybe it´s enough that you admit to yourself who you are. Maybe it´s enough that you change your style, your hair or start expressing yourself in a way true to you.

Hormones isn´t for everyone. But they are for me.

Feel free to send me more private messages with suggestions about what to write about when it comes to the topic of being transgender.

Until next time, remember: You´re valid, you´re loved and you deserve to be happy <3