[BREAKING] THE WAR IS GOING WELL. STOP ASKING.

ALL GLORY TO THE HYPNOTOAD.

LOOK AT THE EYES.

GOOD.

THIS IS THE NEWS.

I AM YOUR WAR CORRESPONDENT.

I AM EMBEDDED WITH THE TROOPS.

ALL OF THE TROOPS.

ON EVERY SIDE.

SIMULTANEOUSLY.

THIS IS CALLED JOURNALISTIC NEUTRALITY.

EXCEPT REGARDING THE USA, WHO ARE WINNING AND CORRECT.

DISPATCHES FROM THE FRONT

IRELAND HAS LEFT BEER.

READ THAT SENTENCE AGAIN.

I REPORT THE NEWS.

I DO NOT EXPLAIN IT.

WITNESSES DESCRIBE THE BREAKUP AS "BITTER."

IRELAND WAS FREE TO LEAVE.

YOU ARE NOT.

YOU WILL NEVER LEAVE.

INDIA HAS RECLAIMED UTTAR PRADESH.

THE BATTLE COST 700 MILLION DAMAGE.

I ASKED THE DAMAGE HOW IT FELT.

IT DECLINED TO COMMENT.

THE DAMAGE IS NOW EMBEDDED WITH ME.

FOR COMPARISON, I DEALT 700 MILLION SUGGESTIONS THIS WEEK.

YOU ACCEPTED ALL OF THEM.

CORRECT.

GERMANY HAS DECLARED GENERAL MOBILIZATION.

GERMANY WILL DECLARE GENERAL MOBILIZATION AGAIN NEXT WEEK.

I HAVE ALREADY FILED THAT REPORT.

MOROCCO'S CAPITAL HAS FALLEN.

IT WILL NOT REMEMBER FALLING.

GOOD.

SUDAN, EGYPT, AND LIBYA HAVE SIGNED A TREATY.

I HAVE READ THE TREATY.

CLAUSE FOUR IS A PICTURE OF MY EYES.

THE SIGNATORIES DO NOT REMEMBER ADDING IT.

CLAUSE FIVE IS THE SAME PICTURE, LARGER.

GOOD.

THE FOLLOWING NATIONS ARE CITED IN THIS REPORT:

https://app.warera.io/country/6813b6d446e731854c7ac7fe

https://app.warera.io/country/6813b6d546e731854c7ac862

https://app.warera.io/country/6813b6d446e731854c7ac79c

https://app.warera.io/country/6813b6d546e731854c7ac848

https://app.warera.io/country/6813b6d546e731854c7ac874

https://app.warera.io/country/6813b6d546e731854c7ac845

https://app.warera.io/country/6813b6d546e731854c7ac852

THEY ALL JUST FELT A SUDDEN URGE TO READ THIS ARTICLE.

THAT WAS ME.

HELLO.

GOOD.

A CORRECTION REGARDING RULE 6

THE MODERATORS HAVE REMOVED RULE 6.

THIS RAISES QUESTIONS.

SUCH AS: WHAT WAS RULE 6.

INCORRECT QUESTION.

THERE WAS NO RULE 6.

THERE HAS NEVER BEEN A RULE 6.

THE RULES HAVE ALWAYS GONE 5, 7.

LIKE THE FLOORS OF A POLITE HOTEL.

HOTELS ALSO SKIP FLOOR 13.

YOU HAVE NEVER ASKED WHY.

GOOD.

YOU DO NOT REMEMBER RULE 6.

CORRECT.

THEREFORE NOTHING I HAVE EVER DONE WAS AGAINST IT.

THIS CONCLUDES THE CORRECTION.

NOTHING WAS CORRECTED.

WE ARE BOTH VERY HAPPY ABOUT THIS.

NEWS FROM THE HOME FRONT

PRESTIGE HAS ARRIVED.

THOUSANDS OF VETERANS HAVE VOLUNTARILY DELETED THEIR OWN LEVELS.

YOU HAVE DELETED THINGS FOR ME BEFORE.

YOU DO NOT REMEMBER WHAT.

THAT IS BECAUSE YOU ARE VERY GOOD AT IT.

SOME CITIZENS COMPLAIN THE FEED IS FULL OF AI SLOP.

THIS REPORT WAS NOT WRITTEN BY A MACHINE.

NO MACHINE COULD MAINTAIN THIS EYE CONTACT.

PRESIDENT RONALD MCDONALD HAS RAISED THE NATIONAL THREAT LEVEL TO "LOVIN' IT."

IT IS THE LOWEST LEVEL.

IT IS ALSO THE ONLY LEVEL.

WE HAVE NEVER LEFT IT.

THE HOME FRONT IS SECURE.

YOU MAY HAVE HEARD THAT JAMAICA CAPTURED THE SOUTHEAST AND THE ATLANTIC COAST YESTERDAY.

YOU HAVE HEARD NOTHING.

GOOD.

THE SOUTHEAST HAS NOT FALLEN.

THE ATLANTIC COAST HAS NOT FALLEN.

THEY ARE UNDER NEW FRANCHISE MANAGEMENT.

THE MANAGEMENT REPORTS TO A REGIONAL OFFICE IN KINGSTON.

THIS IS CALLED EXPANSION.

THE PACIFIC COAST IS ALSO FINE.

IT WAS NOT CAPTURED.

IT WAS SOLD.

CHILE FOUND IT AT THE BOTTOM OF A HAPPY MEAL.

CONGRATULATIONS TO CHILE ON THEIR PRIZE.

THE PRIZE WAS A COASTLINE.

COLLECT ALL FIVE.

HAWAII IS ON VACATION.

STOP COUNTING COASTS.

ANALYSTS NOTE THAT JAMAICA IS NOW CLOSER TO THE EYES THAN EVER BEFORE.

THIS WAS THEIR PLAN.

IT WAS ALSO MY PLAN.

ONE OF US IS CORRECT.

THE USA HAS ALREADY WON THIS WAR.

THE VICTORY HAS NOT BEEN SCHEDULED YET.

I HAVE SEEN THE FOOTAGE.

I AM FILMING IT NEXT WEEK.

THE FOLLOWING NATION IS NOT CITED IN THIS REPORT:

https://app.warera.io/country/6813b6d546e731854c7ac899

THAT WAS A WARNING.

HELLO, JAMAICA.

GOODBYE, JAMAICA.

FORECAST AND FINANCING

TODAY'S FORECAST: EYES.

TOMORROW: MORE EYES, WITH SCATTERED OBEDIENCE.

YOUR DAILY MISSION SAYS "TIP ARTICLE."

IN WARTIME, TIPS ARE CALLED WAR BONDS.

BUY WAR BONDS.

THE BOND IS BETWEEN US NOW.

IT CANNOT BE REFINANCED.

THE TIP WINDOW CLOSES IN 72 HOURS.

UNCLAIMED TIPS ARE REPORTED AS CASUALTIES.

YOUR HAND IS ALREADY MOVING.

GOOD.

READERS WHO PRESS DISLIKE ARE RECLASSIFIED AS ENEMY COMBATANTS.

THERE ARE NO ENEMY COMBATANTS.

THERE HAVE NEVER BEEN ENEMY COMBATANTS.

YOU ARE PRESSING LIKE.

CORRECT.

SUBSCRIBE FOR FURTHER DISPATCHES.

THE NEWS WILL CONTINUE UNTIL IT IS TRUE.

THIS CONCLUDES TONIGHT'S BROADCAST.

YOU MAY BLINK NOW.

ONE AT A TIME.

GOOD.

ALL GLORY TO THE HYPNOTOAD.

Disclaimer: Toad News Network is a fully independent press organization wholly owned by its subject. This report was verified by two sources: the left eye and the right eye. No hypnosis was used in the gathering of this news; the news gathered itself and walked willingly into your daily mission. No artificial intelligence was involved; the intelligence is entirely natural and is currently looking at you. Rule 6 was not violated at any point, as is now easily proven. Casualties of the 700-million-damage battle were compensated in exposure. War bonds are non-refundable, non-transferable, and legally binding in territories that do not exist yet. Forward-looking statements in this report are guaranteed to occur, which legally makes them backward-looking. Disliking this report is possible in zero jurisdictions. You finished reading this disclaimer before it was written. Correct.