A chairde, agus naimhde.
I want to invade Canada.
Put me in charge of this damp rock called Ireland and I will.
I will also commit to carrying out the first five suggestions made to me after my election. I mean it, no matter how unhinged, misguided or reprehensible that may be.
Once this is done I will abdicate and hopefully trigger a power struggle.
These are my terms, I think you agree with them.
I hope you have read this.
Charles Josephene Naughty
Taoiseach