Chef Jose Avillez arrested after cooking an "outrageous" codfish tagine

Chef José Avillez was arrested in his restaurant “Belcanto” after cooking an “outrageous” codfish tagine.

Reportedly, the Moroccan governor for the occupied provices of Portugal went to Belcanto today to taste the new “two cultures” menu by the Michelin awarded chef and was so outraged he ordered the immediate arrest of José Avillez.

“This cannot go on, the tagine was just too good. We are supposed to be conquerors and their cuisine is colonizing our own.” Commented the governor to reporters from “correio da manhã”, a local newspaper, that apparently showed up in a cloud of smoke as soon as the governor called for the arrest of the chef.

This is only the latest development in a long series of culinary clashes that started with the fall of Portugal to the North African invaders. 

Defeated in battle, the Portuguese turned their culinary economy into overdrive and started integrating their cuisine into traditional Moroccan dishes. Codfish tagine, malandrinho couscous, Kohbz prego, Pastilla with alheira, Kaab el Ghazal with queijada filling, just to name a few, Moroccan soldiers completely surrendered their taste buds to Portuguese chefs.

Some were offended, others surprised, most accepted their new culinary overlords. “That thing the fabrica de pasteis de nata is making doesnt even look like a jawhara. Its a crime against Moroccan cuisine. But it’s good. It’s just so good. Please forgive me mimti”, commented a Moroccan sergeant that requested to remain anonymous.

This culinary colonisation is worrying Moroccan authorities. But not only for cultural reasons.

“It’s not just the risk of improving Moroccan cuisine forever”, the governor continued. “Our soldiers are getting fat. Too fat.”

Reportedly, according to Portuguese intelligence services, SIS, which is mainly composed of old grandmothers spying from their balconies, just like they did before the invasion, over 50% of the Tunisian contingent occupying Porto is combat ineffective due to being too fat. 

“Each francesinha contains enough calories to feed a platoon for day”, commented a Tunisian combat medic, “this should be forbidden by the Geneva conventions. It’s not humane to feed so many calories to a single human being.”. And Tunisian soldiers just cannot resist it. The health crisis is so severe that Tunisian authorities are now sending only vegan soldiers to Porto.

What will become of this invasion remains to be seen. But one thing is certain: Moroccan soldiers will not go back home hungry.