Dutch Culture: The 'Kringverjaardag'

Some time ago, I promised you all another look into the mind of the Dutch oppressors. I have come to deliver on that promise today, with an analysis of a common Dutch ritual, surrounding birthdays.

Whenever a member of the Dutch public completes yet another revolution around our bright heavenly body, it is customary to invite several friends and family members of varying closeness, to celebrate the occasion.

Let this article guide you in surviving (and thriving) at one of these kringverjaardagen (translation; circular birthday).

Upon entrance into the home of the celebrating subject, you are expected to take them into an awkward half-hug, placing one hand on their arm, at the level of their shoulder. Then, the cheek kissing starts. Both you and the subject, will 'kiss' each other's cheeks, alternating sides. Then you will count three kisses, no more, no less. Three will be the number you will count, and the number of the counting will be three. It is important to note that you will not actually kiss each other's cheeks. You will simply make a kissing sound as you barely touch their check with your own cheek. Naturally, you will be verbally congratulating them during this ritual.

Then follows the entry into the living room. A joyous occasion, as now you get to awkwardly shuffle by everyone around the table, shaking their hands and congratulating them with the birthday of their loved one, for as far the Dutch have loved ones. This ritual makes the attendees feel special, and lets them know that the birthday of their loved one, isn't just about their loved one. An important step to soothe the minor inherent narcissism of the Dutch average Jan.

Once everyone's ego has been stroked, you may finally take a seat. If you are family, you may find yourself a spot on the couch. Friends and acquaintances take a chair. At this point in time, you will be offered coffee. It is imperative that you accept. This offering of a beverage is not so much to quench your thirst, but to symbolise that you're welcome in the home. You will also be offered a dry slice of cake. If the host is particularly impressed with your diplomatic prowess, you may be given a slice with whipped cream. None of this is optional.

Since you have now been accepted into the 'kring', you are expected to take part in conversation. Depending on the time you arrive, the conversation may be as simple as small talk and introductions, up to controversial political topics, such as which is the best pilsner.

You may be wondering about giving gifts at this point in time. If you are, please consider giving me the gift of a small donation. In my next article, I will introduce you to the intricacies of Dutch gift giving. Until then, be well and enjoy the game!