Gambling Mandatory, New President Forbids Sale of Cases
They Told Me To Open Cases And Honestly Fair Enough
By Celeste Mbarga, Trainee Correspondent, Culture Desk
The Spectator — Inside & Under Mbargo
Brazzaville—I want to be clear that I followed the Christi'Fristi here voluntarily. Nobody said go south with the eldritch being. That was a choice I made yesterday morning with my shoes still covered in mud from the Ubangi. Colonel Bozanga materialized a Hilux for transport without being asked, and I climbed in before anyone could reconsider.
Upon arriving in Brazzaville, I first went out to find a kiosk that sells the good chin-chin, the kind that's more peanut than flour. Most of the city smells like river water and generator smoke and, specifically outside the embassy, like whatever they've been burning to keep the mosquitoes off the terrace. So far, I have filed four expenses.
The next day, on the morning of the inauguration, the Christi'Fristi issued his first executive order. I, among other press, was hustled into a repurposed embassy conference suite that currently serves as temporary Office for the President.
The order was translated by Madame Ngomba.
Universal basic income. One case per citizen. Every midnight.
The Christi'Fristi signs executive order
in the Central African embassy in Brazzaville on May 19
I wrote it down and looked up. The cabinet was nodding. An executive order went through clean. The Christi'Fristi stood at the head of the table in its orange robe, three meters of white-eyed patience, and nobody in that room made a single noise that could be mistaken for objection.
Then Minister Hákon cleared his throat.
https://app.warera.io/user/697fea462a2dd3cbd8555472
"We should issue a public advisory and caution citizens. Opening cases is, statistically, a bad deal."
He had a folder. Of course he had a folder. I have met Minister Hákon twice. Both times he had a folder. I believe he sleeps with a folder. He explained, calmly and with the graphs to prove it, that the secondary market value of an unopened case exceeded its expected average contents. Risk-adjusted returns. Price stabilization. He flipped to page two.
I wrote "graph, page two, request copy" in my notebook for the dorks at the Econ Desk and put my pen down.
The Christi'Fristi listened. Twenty seconds. Maybe twenty-five. Then it raised one long-fingered hand and pressed its index finger, gently and deliberately, to Hákon's forehead.
Hákon was gone. Banished. Folder and all.
I picked my pen back up.
The bravest officer in the room asked what happened to Hákon.
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(Translation: "Every box that was made to be opened will be opened. This was decided before the box existed.")
The cases cannot be sold unopened. I'm not sure if this is the law of the land now, or just a threatening expression of supernatural force, if there is a difference.
When the Christi'Fristi was done talking, Hákon returned as suddenly as he had disappeared. He was covered in soot and very quiet. He sat down at the table and accepted a glass of water and did not reach for his folder. We have not discussed the secondary market since. I suspect he is working on new graphs that account for a hidden variable, the Christi'Fristi.
The cases arrive at midnight. The people open them. That is all.
We must trust the fates... or else.
From Brazzaville, this is Celeste Mbarga,
Trainee Correspondent, The Spectator.
