MOSCOW — Scientists have issued an unprecedented Global Cry Emergency after reports confirmed that Lithuanian troops participating in the Battle of Moscow have begun crying at such catastrophic rates that Earth's oceans are expected to rise by up to 12 meters before the weekend.
The International Oceanographic Institute described the event as "hydrologically impossible, emotionally understandable."
"This is no longer a military conflict," said one researcher while placing sandbags around his laboratory. "This is a liquid logistics crisis."
According to satellite imagery, rivers flowing out of Moscow no longer contain water from rainfall or melting snow, but rather an uninterrupted stream of Lithuanian tears stretching thousands of kilometers toward the Baltic Sea.
World leaders convened an emergency summit overnight.
The Netherlands has announced plans to relocate its entire population to the Alps.
Switzerland has offered to rent mountains by the hour.
Bangladesh has reportedly begun constructing apartment complexes on weather balloons.
Australia insists it is "probably fine," despite now being only three meters above sea level.
The United Nations warned that over 4.8 billion people could become climate refugees, not because of greenhouse gases, but because "someone couldn't take the L."
Energy companies have already begun exploring the commercial viability of harvesting Lithuanian tears.
Analysts estimate that one emotionally distressed infantry division could produce enough freshwater to supply a medium-sized European city.
"We spent decades chasing fusion energy," admitted one economist. "Turns out all we needed was Baltic disappointment."
The IPCC has released a draft report introducing a new emissions category:
CO₂
Methane
Nitrous Oxide
Lithuanians Having a Rough Afternoon
The organization admitted previous climate models failed to account for "large-scale Baltic emotional discharge."
Across the world, panic buying has emptied stores of:
Rubber boots
Kayaks
Waterproof mascara
Real estate listings advertising "second floor apartment" have been reclassified as waterfront property.
Authorities emphasize there is no cause for panic, provided citizens immediately relocate to elevations above 3,000 meters, purchase sufficient life jackets, and avoid saying "BEER" within earshot of any Lithuanian.