Government Announces Bold Anti-Corruption Plan: Legalize All Corruption

In a move described by officials as “visionary,” “efficient,” and “technically impossible to prosecute,” the government today unveiled its newest strategy in the fight against corruption: making corruption completely legal.

The proposal, titled the National Integrity Through Open Bribery Act, would remove the legal uncertainty surrounding bribery, favoritism, suspicious envelopes, luxury dinners, and unexplained construction contracts awarded to a minister’s brother-in-law.

Supporters argue that the plan is simple. If every bribe is legal, then no bribe can be illegal. Therefore, corruption disappears overnight.

“This is not surrender,” declared one senior official from the steps of parliament, while accepting a decorative briefcase from an unnamed industrialist. “This is administrative streamlining.”

Under the new system, politicians, businessmen, generals, and local officials will be required to declare all bribes openly, preferably in triplicate and before lunch. The Ministry of Transparency has already announced a new online portal where citizens can track who has been bought, for how much, and whether the bribe included lunch.

Proponents of the bill have compared the system to Formula 1 racing, arguing that public officials should no longer hide their financial backers, but display them proudly.

“Why should a minister pretend to be neutral when he could simply wear a jacket showing every sponsor?” asked one supporter of the reform. “If a transport official is funded by Big Asphalt, Luxury Watch Consortium, and the National Association of Suspicious Envelopes, the people deserve to see those logos.”

Under the proposed rules, every official would be issued a government-approved sponsorship jacket, with premium front-chest placement reserved for major donors and smaller sleeve patches available for minor contributors, lobby groups, and relatives seeking zoning permits.

The Ministry of Transparency has called the idea “a breakthrough in democratic honesty,” noting that voters would finally know exactly who owns their representatives before the representatives begin speaking.

Critics have called the plan “morally catastrophic,” “a legal disaster,” and “just regular corruption wearing a hat.” Government spokesmen rejected these concerns, insisting the reform would bring honesty back into public life.

“For too long, corruption has happened in dark rooms,” one minister explained. “We believe it should happen in bright rooms, with receipts.”

Markets reacted positively, especially companies specializing in envelopes, luxury watches, consulting fees, and offshore accounting. Several lobbyists were seen openly crying with relief after learning they no longer had to pretend to be policy advisors.

The opposition has condemned the bill, though sources confirm several members have requested clarification on whether early registration qualifies for a discount.

Meanwhile, the public remains divided. Some citizens fear the country has abandoned the rule of law. Others appreciate finally knowing the price list.

As the debate continues, the government has released its official slogan for the campaign:

If every bribe is legal, none are illegal.