Hope Is Dead, Long Live Me — The People Have Spoken (Poorly)

Hey hey people — Supreme Leader Sseth here.

Brothers, sisters, and whatever Ushak identifies as today—I WON AGAIN. The ballots have spoken, the dead have voted twice, and the living have once again proven that hope is truly lost for humanity—Sseth’s Hope, now available in convenient pill form (side effects include democracy).

To the 112% of you who voted for me: you’re welcome. Especially to myself (who voted 47 times under different mustaches), my family (who voted under gun point), and my goldfish (who abstained but still counts).

As a token of my infinite benevolence, MILK IS FREE FOR THE NEXT 30 DAYS. No need to thank me. I said YOU’RE WELCOME. Lactose-intolerant? Skill issue.

INNOVATION (Big Brother, But With Feathers)

My elite R&D team—me, Ushak, and Donald J. Trump (visiting dignitary, armed with two pens and one napkin)—has unveiled the future of governance:

THE ADVANCED BIRD DRONE™ (Patent pending, wings not included)

These majestic mechanical pigeons will now hover above every traitor who didn’t vote for me, recording their shameful breakfast choices and forwarding them directly to my personal TikTok.

You chose not to vote for eternal glory? ENJOY YOUR REWARD, INFIDEL. “Caw caw, motherfucker.”

ENVIRONMENTAL POLICY (Touching the grass)

Enough with your factories, your smog, your child labor. I am abolishing military industry and going full FERMENTATION NATION™ (ECO).

As the great philosopher JoBiden once said: “If you can’t fix it, ferment it.”

That was weird thing to say during funeral Jo but thanks anyway.

From this day forward, every Azerbaijani will receive one state-issued jar of kimchi and a mandatory sauerkraut enema. Pollution? Solved. Economy? Pickled.

(Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a date with a mirror and a crown.)