HUNGARY REPORTS: THE PEOPLE HAVE CHOSEN DICTATORSHIP

THE ELECTION RESULTS

Yesterday's presidential elections have concluded in Hungary. The people have spoken. Or rather, 35 of them have spoken, which in WarEra terms constitutes an overwhelming democratic mandate indistinguishable from the voice of God himself.

The people's so-called champion, @69eb1863c0024728ebefdd09, was tragically unable to register his candidacy. Sources close to the leader of the C.H.E.S.T.E.R. movement, @69eb1863c0024728ebefdd09 confirm he was engaged in critical national security operations involving the opening of approximately 1000 cases at the time of the registration deadline and could not be disturbed. A single shed of white tear rolled down of every hungarian legs upon hearing this news.

In his absence, freshly unsubscribed @68a2f9b911b193d959b00ba9 ran uncontested and secured victory. What this means for the country remains entirely unclear. Analysts are divided. Some suggest it means something. Others suggest it means something else.

THE CABINET: A THOROUGH ASSESSMENT

The new President has assembled his government. We present them here objectively and without bias:

Marionette Doll #1 – Vice President: Responsible for general organizational maintenance and close cooperation with the President. Very close cooperation. Sources indicate deeply sensual eye contact is mandatory at all times.

Marionette Doll #2 – Minister of Economy: Responsible for loving the President professionally. Occasionally personally. Also opens a few cases here and there, all of them purchased with tax income.

Marionette Doll #3 – Minister of Foreign Affairs: Tasked primarily with internal affairs, which the President himself describes as "a bit contradictory."

Marionette Doll #4 – Minister of Defense: Responsible for monitoring allied communications. Primary qualification: willingness to monitor allied communications. Secondary qualification: see primary qualification.

Additionally, a council of Senior Marionettes has been established in an advisory capacity. Their role is to advise. The President will then do what a President gotta do.

Long live the King, oh I mean Emperor, doh I mean the President, ah yes, the President! -Senior Marionette Doll #5

THE PRESIDENTIAL ADDRESS TO THE NATION

Delivered by the President, upon assuming office. Transcribed faithfully.

"In the name of the greatest people that have ever trod this WarEra map, I draw the line in the pixels, and I say: IT guys now, IT guys tomorrow, IT guys forever.

I stand where the great Matthias Crabby once stood, and I say to you today that from this server, from this discord channel, from this very presidential office — for those who say we are wrong, I wish to pose the question: who speaks for Hungary? Who dares to tell the Hungarian people that 35 votes do not constitute the full and sovereign will of an entire nation? Not YOU. Certainly not YOU.

And now, to the matter of national collaboration. Yes, I am an IT manager. We must all serve ME — willingly, eagerly — to reap the benefits of MY greatness. And reap we shall. I do not sleep so that Hungary may dream.

I want to be clear: I did not come here to lead. I came here to BE led to. To be delegated TO. To maintain appropriate equilibrium between MY autonomy, MY decision-making, and MY guidance to our downtrodden people. These are NOT the words of a dictator.

These are the words of a MAN with a sophisticated LinkedIn profile.

The goal remains — as it has always been, as it shall always be — an independent Hungary!

Under my management.