USA moves back into its childhood home

American soldiers raise the victory flag after the not-so-hard-fought Battle of St Louis

The Midwest echoes with the resounding beat of American jackboots once again! After several failed campaigns, US forces received orders directly from then-President DirtyDan, commanding them to "Try harder, I guess."

Within days, American forces launched an opening attack on Ed Debevic's Diner in Chicago - a move that caught the defending Bahamans completely by surprise.

"Well, we actually were just going to grab some lunch with the boys for Jake's birthday, but eventually enough people started tagging along that we decided to make a war out of it. Rest in peace, Jake."

-Intern-General Fulton Wartooth

Then-Vice-President Ronald McDonald, driven by his unfailing sense of profit patriotism lead a logistical charge by establishing an industrial foothold in the region, constructing over a thousand industrial Burger Forges in a matter of weeks. With full bellies and empty prospects outside of the military, our boys fight on!

Non-union workers at the Pennsylvania Frankfurter Foundry put the finishing touches on another batch of Jalapeno Cheddar Summer Sausages

When asked whether American forces would be able to carry their momentum westward along that really boring stretch of I-70 across Kansas, military leadership smiled and nodded as though they hadn't actually heard the question.

Editor's note: The war ended immediately after publication of this article.