Moroccan soldiers unable to resist Portuguese mustaches

The Moroccan governor for the occupied provinces of Portugal has issued a national emergency warning after several incidents where Moroccans were unable to resist the Portuguese mustache.

According to Moroccan police reports, the first incident happened in Alvalade, when Moroccan soldiers attempted to evict a Portuguese man from his own house. The operation failed after the man opened the door wearing an undersized Benfica T-shirt revealing a glorious beer belly, a silver cross necklace, suspiciously tight trousers and a majestic untrimmed mustache. Journalists from Correio da Manhã, who witnesses claim rappelled down from a helicopter onto a nearby balcony, report that the Moroccan soldiers immediately lowered their weapons.

“One look at that mustache and I forgot why I was there,” confessed one Moroccan private, requesting anonymity because his wife now follows the Portuguese man on social media. “It was not just hair. It had authority. It was the mustache of a man who knew where to buy good and cheap olive oil directly from the producer.”

But the situation became more complicated when Moroccan authorities discovered that mustaches in Portugal are not exclusive to men.

“This was not in the intelligence report,” said one Moroccan colonel. “We tried to prepare our men for Portuguese male mustaches. We were not prepared for the grandmothers.”

Reportedly, a Moroccan patrol in Vila Franca de Xira became surrounded by six Portuguese ladies outside a café where the ladies order just enough to be considered customers and spend the whole day sitting around a table talking about other people’s lives. All of the ladies were wearing black clothes, orthopedic shoes and light but undeniable mustaches.

The patrol surrendered after eighty minutes of intense non-stop comments and unsolicited opinions about their diets, families, work ethic, wives, children and anything they could and could not think of.

“I couldn’t stop staring at those mighty fluffs,” claimed the sergeant commanding the patrol. “When I came back to my senses, I was already in the military hospital under psychiatric evaluation for excessive questioning of life choices.”

To control the crisis, Moroccan authorities have introduced several emergency measures, but with very limited success. Just yesterday, three Moroccan soldiers were found in a barbershop in Amadora asking for “the Portuguese uncle style”. Another was caught applying wax to his upper lip while whispering “I am a real man” into a mirror.

Previously:
 https://app.warera.io/article/6a10d31031cd6cae8366ca5f