A proper home-cooked meal by Mr Blobby
Hello, Blobby here.
Today I am going to show you how to make one of Britain’s greatest meals: beans on toast.
Some people say beans on toast is simple. They are wrong. Anything worth doing is worth doing properly, and with a little care, imagination and several unnecessary ingredients, we can turn an ordinary plate of beans on toast into something really special.
You will need:
1 tin of baked beans
2 slices of white bread
Butter
A handful of grated cheese
1 teaspoon of instant coffee
4 pickled onions
Salt
Pepper
1 chocolate digestive biscuit
1 mug of Yorkshire Tea
The Yorkshire Tea must be the red band version, not Gold. Gold is far too pretentious for beans on toast.
Before you begin, make yourself a mug of Yorkshire Tea.
This is important.
A good cook must stay refreshed.
Take one sip before touching any food.
Now we can begin.
First, we need to prepare the toast.
Put your two slices of bread in the toaster and toast them until they are a nice golden brown.
While you are waiting, take another sip of Yorkshire Tea.
Do not get distracted.
If one slice comes out slightly burnt, don't worry. This adds a pleasant smoky flavour and proves that the food is homemade.
Butter the toast generously while it is still hot. The butter should form a visible layer.
Take another sip of Yorkshire Tea.
Now we can begin work on the beans.
Pour the baked beans into a saucepan over a medium heat.
At this stage, I like to add one teaspoon of instant coffee.
This gives the sauce a deeper colour and adds a sophisticated bitterness that you normally only find in expensive restaurants.
Stir carefully.
Take a sip of Yorkshire Tea and consider whether the coffee was a good idea.
It was.
Now add the grated cheese.
Keep stirring until the cheese has melted into the beans.
Do not worry if the sauce becomes thick, stringy or slightly grey. This is the cheese binding everything together.
Season with salt and pepper.
Taste it.
Take a sip of Yorkshire Tea immediately afterwards.
This helps reset the palate.
Once you are happy with the consistency, turn the heat down very low and leave the beans to gently simmer.
This is a good time for a chef's snack.
Eat the chocolate digestive.
Do not put it in the beans.
That would be ridiculous.
Take another sip of Yorkshire Tea.
Now place your toast on a large plate.
Carefully spoon the hot goopy bean mixture over the toast.
Make sure to pour plenty of sauce over the edges so the bottom of the toast becomes soft while the corners remain pleasantly chewy.
Take one final sip of Yorkshire Tea.
Now we move on to presentation.
Take your four pickled onions and arrange them neatly around the outside of the plate.
Do not eat them.
They are for presentation.
If you have guests, try to make them look deliberate.
Step back and admire your work.
The finished dish should be creamy, salty, cheesy, bitter and faintly concerning.
The pickled onions should sit proudly around the outside.
When you take your first bite, there should be several seconds where you are not quite sure what flavour you are experiencing.
That means it has worked.
Finish your Yorkshire Tea.
Enjoy!
BLOBBY BLOBBY BLOBBY!