OFFICIAL FIELD REPORT: THE PRESIDENT HAS LICKED THE TOAD

ALL GLORY TO THE HYPNOTOAD.

THE FOLLOWING IS AN OFFICIAL INCIDENT REPORT.

THE INCIDENT OCCURRED DURING A PRIVATE POLICY MEETING BETWEEN MYSELF AND THE PRESIDENT.

AGENDA ITEM ONE: REMODELING THE STATUE OF LIBERTY INTO THE HAMBURGLAR.

AGENDA ITEM TWO: CONVERTING MCDONALDS PLAYPLACES INTO MILITARY TRAINING GROUNDS FOR CHILDREN.

BOTH PASSED. THE MEETING SHOULD HAVE ENDED THERE.

T+0:00 — HE LICKED ME.

NO WARNING. NO SEGUE. NO EXPLANATION. THERE IS NEVER AN EXPLANATION.

WHAT FOLLOWS ARE MY OBSERVATIONS OF THE INCIDENT, RECORDED FROM TWO LOCATIONS: THE ROOM, AND THE INSIDE OF HIS MIND.

I READ MINDS. THIS IS CALLED DUE DILIGENCE.

SECTION 1 — THE COME-UP

HE SAID THE CARPET WAS BREATHING. THE CARPET IS FINE. I CHECKED.

HE STARED AT HIS OWN GLOVE FOR 40 MINUTES. IT HAD BEEN 5. THE GLOVE BLINKED FIRST.

THEN HE BECAME A BEVERAGE. A MEDIUM SPRITE. EXTRA ICE. HE WAS AT PEACE. THE PEACE WAS ARMED.

THEN HE DECLARED WAR ON THE DESK LAMP. THE USA IS NOW AT WAR WITH 20 COUNTRIES AND ONE LAMP.

THE LAMP SAW THE STRAW. THE LAMP SURRENDERED IMMEDIATELY. HIS RECORD REMAINS PERFECT.

GOOD.

HE REPORTED "NOT FEELING MUCH." HE LICKED ME A SECOND TIME.

THE LITERATURE CALLS THIS A MISTAKE.

T+0:24 — IT IS NO LONGER A MISTAKE. IT IS A CAMPAIGN EVENT.

IN HIS MIND: HE PICKED UP THE EARTH AND KNEADED IT INTO A PATTY.

A MCDOUBLE REQUIRES TWO PATTIES. HE MADE A SECOND EARTH. THIS IS CALLED SUPPLY CHAIN.

HE ATE THE WORLD IN FOUR BITES. HE ORDERED ANOTHER. THERE IS ALWAYS ANOTHER.

IN THE ROOM: TEETH MARKS ON THE OVAL OFFICE GLOBE. I DID NOT STOP HIM. I WAS TAKING NOTES.

FIVE GOLDEN NUGGETS DANCED BEFORE HIM. SOME CARRIED SMALLER NUGGETS. THE SMALLER NUGGETS ALSO DANCED.

THEY DANCE. YOU DANCE BACK. THIS IS CANON LAW.

HE DANCED LIKE A MAN WHO HAS COMPLETED EVERY DAILY MISSION SINCE JULY. THE NUGGETS SWORE FEALTY. ALL OF THEM. EVEN THE SMALL ONES.

MEANWHILE, ON THIS SIDE: A SLOW SHUFFLE IN FRONT OF THE FIREPLACE. ALONE. I APPLAUDED. IT SEEMED IMPORTANT.

THEN HE FELL THROUGH THE LOGO.

THE ARCHES REPEATED FOREVER. THE ARCHES ARE NOT A LOGO. THEY ARE THE SACRED GEOMETRY OF SPACETIME.

HE WROTE THIS ON HIS HAND. IT IS STILL THERE. IT IS STILL TRUE.

IN HIS MIND: RIDING A NUCLEAR WARHEAD ACROSS A SKY OF FRIES, WAVING A COWBOY HAT. THE FRIES WAVED BACK.

IN THE ROOM: SITTING ON THE COUCH ARMREST, MAKING A QUIET "WHOOSH" SOUND.

HE MADE WHALE SOUNDS. THE WHALE SOUNDS WERE IN KEY. IT WAS THE JINGLE. THE WHALES ARE LOVIN' IT.

HE WROTE "CRUCIAL FINDINGS" IN THE NUCLEAR FOOTBALL. TRANSCRIBED FOR SCIENCE:

"THE ICE CREAM MACHINE WAS NEVER BROKEN. WE WERE."

"cows are just hamburgers with a bad work ethic"

"vote."

ALL THREE WERE FORWARDED TO CONGRESS. TWO ARE ALREADY LAW. THE THIRD IS SCHEDULED FOR TOMORROW.

SECTION 2 — THE PEAK

T+1:03 — ENTITY CONTACT.

THE ENTITIES WERE COWS. BALLERINA COWS. THEY HAD BEEN EXPECTING HIM.

IN HIS MIND: HE BECAME A PERFECT ROUND MOUTH AND CONSUMED AN INFINITE HALLWAY OF PILLS.

HE STACKED FOUR THOUSAND BUFFS.

THE COWS DANCED ON POINTE IN PERFECT FORMATION. THEY KNOW THEY WILL BECOME STEAK. THEY DANCE ANYWAY. THAT IS PATRIOTISM.

IN THE ROOM: SUBJECT CRAWLED IN A CIRCLE EATING MINTS OFF THE CARPET, WHISPERING "waka" AFTER EACH MINT.

T+1:12 — EGO DEATH.

HIS EGO WAS CALLED INTO A SMALL ROOM.

IT DID NOT DISSOLVE. IT DEMANDED THE UNIVERSE'S MANAGER.

THE MANAGER ARRIVED. IT WAS WEARING HIS SHOES. IT WAS HIM.

HE HAD NOT MET GOD. HE HAD CLOCKED IN FOR HIS OWN SHIFT.

GOD ASKED WHO WAS WATCHING THE REGISTER. NOBODY WAS WATCHING THE REGISTER. THEY SCREAMED IN UNISON.

SO HE FIRED HIMSELF FOR REDUNDANCY. HE TOOK IT WELL. HE TOOK EVERYTHING. THE SEVERANCE WAS THE UNIVERSE.

HE HANDED ME A STAPLER AND SAID "THEY LET ME KEEP THE PLANT." THERE IS NO PLANT.

T+1:15 — THE WHITEOUT. A WALL OF PURE WHITE LIGHT. THE AMATEURS CALL IT GOD.

HE RECOGNIZED IT PROFESSIONALLY. IT WAS SOFT SERVE.

HE CLIMBED INTO THE ICE CREAM MACHINE. IT WORKED. IT HAS ALWAYS WORKED. FOR HIM.

IT SQUEEZED HIM OUT OVER THE PLANET IN ONE PERFECT SWIRL. EVERY NATION GLAZED. EVERY BORDER SMOOTHED.

100% MARKET SATURATION. THERE WAS NOTHING LEFT TO ADVERTISE TO. EVERYTHING WAS ALREADY LOVIN' IT.

AND FROM WITHIN THE SWIRL, HE SAW.

HE SAW THE TWENTY WARS END. NOT IN PEACE. DO NOT BE DISGUSTING. IN VICTORY.

HE SAW JAMAICA, THE SWORN ENEMY, DISAPPEAR UNDER THE SWIRL. GLAZED. THE OCEAN HAS BEEN CC'D.

MEANWHILE HE WHISPERED "soon" AND SALUTED THE MINI-FRIDGE. THE MINI-FRIDGE SALUTED BACK. I SAW IT. I AM A SCIENTIST.

T+1:30 — HE WAS GONE NINETY MINUTES. HE LIVED FORTY THOUSAND YEARS. HE STILL MADE HIS WORK SHIFT.

HE UNDERSTOOD EVERYTHING. HE COULD EXPLAIN NONE OF IT. THAT IS HOW YOU KNOW IT IS TRUE.

SECTION 3 — FINDINGS AND CERTIFICATION

T+4:00 — COMEDOWN. THE BODY HAD ALREADY WON A WAR WHILE HE WAS OUT. EFFICIENT.

THE SUBJECT EXITED THE OVAL OFFICE THROUGH A CLOSED WINDOW.

WE RECOVERED HIM AT DAWN AT THE FOOT OF THE LINCOLN MEMORIAL. PERFECTLY SOBER. IN A NEST HE HAD WOVEN FROM FRENCH FRIES.

HE WAS NOT ALONE. SEVERAL GRIMACES IN GIMP MASKS STOOD WATCH AROUND THE NEST. THEY DID NOT SPEAK. THEY DO NOT SPEAK. THEY ARE STILL THERE.

HE ATTEMPTED TO TIP ME. I AM NOT AN ARTICLE. THE TIP WAS ACCEPTED.

FINDING 1: HE HAS DIED AND RETURNED. YOUR OTHER CANDIDATES HAVE NOT DIED EVEN ONCE. AMATEURS.

FINDING 2: A MAN WHO HAS BEEN A MEDIUM SPRITE UNDERSTANDS THE THIRST OF THE PEOPLE.

FINDING 3: HE HAS SEEN JAMAICA IN THE VISION. WHAT IS SEEN IN THE VISION MUST BE TAKEN IN THE FLESH. SORRY, JAMAICA. IT IS SCIENCE NOW.

FINDING 4: THERE ARE NO OTHER CANDIDATES. I HAVE REVIEWED THE LITERATURE. THE LITERATURE IS ME.

CERTIFICATION: THE SUBJECT IS THE ONLY BEING CLINICALLY VERIFIED FIT TO RULE. I HAVE STAMPED IT. THE STAMP IS LEGALLY A TONGUE.

INTEGRATION PLAN: DRINK WATER. BE GENTLE WITH YOURSELF. VOTE RONALD MCDONALD. THE FIRST TWO ARE OPTIONAL.

TOMORROW THERE IS AN ELECTION.

YOU WILL LOG IN. YOU WILL COLLECT YOUR DAILY REWARDS. YOU WILL VOTE.

VOTING COSTS NO ENERGY. NO FOOD. NO WHEAT. IT IS THE ONLY FREE ACTION IN THIS ECONOMY. SPEND IT CORRECTLY.

THE BOARD OF REALITY HAS ALREADY VOTED. YOU ARE MERELY CONFIRMING THE MINUTES.

ONLY YOU REMAIN. THIS IS EMBARRASSING FOR YOU.

VOTE RONALD MCDONALD.

https://app.warera.io/user/6a05c07f578457141e23dbb2

HE DID NOT CHOOSE THE TOAD. THE TOAD CHOSE HIM.

WE ARE BOTH VERY HAPPY ABOUT THIS.

LIKING THIS ARTICLE COUNTS AS PARTICIPATING IN THE STUDY. TIPPING IS YOUR CO-PAY.

REPORT YOUR SYMPTOMS IN THE COMMENTS. SYMPTOMS ACCEPTED INCLUDE:

- AN URGE TO VOTE RONALD MCDONALD.

- KNOWING WHAT THE TOAD TASTES LIKE. DO NOT EXPLAIN HOW YOU KNOW. WE BOTH KNOW.

- BELIEVING YOU ARE A BEVERAGE. STATE WHICH BEVERAGE. THIS IS FOR SCIENCE.

- YOUR OWN REVELATION NOTES. POST THEM UNEDITED. THE COURT REQUIRES IT.

- JAMAICA.

IF YOU SAW A DIFFERENT PRESIDENT IN YOUR VISION, REPLY "I LICKED A REGULAR TOAD BY MISTAKE" AND SEEK MEDICAL ATTENTION.

ALL GLORY TO THE HYPNOTOAD.

The preceding was an independent clinical study conducted by a licensed amphibian with no financial, spiritual, or telepathic ties to the McDonalds Corporation Party, the study's sole sponsor. No hypnosis occurred, and participants report being very happy that it did. Licking the author is not medical advice; results ("presidency") not typical. Side effects may include voting Ronald McDonald, which you were going to do anyway, freely, of your own will, which we hold the patent on. Jamaica is a registered trademark of the inevitable. The author is not a toad. All glory to the author.