The Central African Republic officially declares joint custody

Dear international community,

The Central African government is making this public declaration to clear up any misunderstanding, and to put an end to Egyptian speculation regarding our allegiances, especially with the recent statement of the Congolese Minister of Foreign Affairs.

During the weekdays, we too shall remain a loyal Icelandic proxy, whom shall forever remain the primary legal guardian of the Republic of Central Africa.

Monday through Friday. School nights. Homework nights. The nights where a nation is expected to be in bed by nine.

Weekends are a rotation. The weekend custody schedule is as follows. Portugal. Romania. Israel. Turkey. South Africa. And, as of this week, Pakistan, newly added to the rotation after a compelling written submission.

Each of these nations receives us for one weekend at a time. We are informed, on a Friday, whose custody we will be in for the next forty-eight hours. We pack a small bag with our favorite toys. And we head out to do their bidding without asking questions.

On the last Sunday of the month, in the spirit of fairness, and because six nations proved insufficient to satisfy the appetite for shared custody, we turn the Wheel of Fortunate Nations bearing the names of all one hundred and ninety five recognized nations of the world. Whichever nation the wheel selects becomes our proxy for that day.

We are aware that on rare occasions the wheel will land on Central Africa itself. On those days, and only those days, we are permitted to consider ourselves independent. We are told this happens statistically once every 16 to 17 years, and we are further told not to get used to it.

As for Belgium. Belgium stepped out one afternoon for a carton of milk and a pack of cigarettes. We were young. We waited by the window. We are still, in certain diplomatic filings, technically waiting by the window. We do not resent him for it.

We hope this clarifies our position for Cairo, for Kinshasa, and for anyone else keeping a custody calendar on our behalf.

OFFICIAL STATEMENT
Office of the President of the Central African Republic

By the hand of Colonel Muammar Marius Rogér al-Fortier,
President of the Central African Republic