The Germans Took Half of France… But They’ll Never Take Our Beaches!
La gazette des tranchées
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"The only newspaper where press freedom is guaranteed by the army"
France: Smaller, But Still Sunbathing
Paris, May 22, 2026 — France may currently resemble a postage stamp, but it’s a very stylish one. With the Germans occupying the East and center, and the Belgians "temporarily" managing the North "We promise to give it back… with a side of fries and a beer", the French have retreated to Paris, Brittany, Aquitaine, and the Southeast, where the sun is shining, the sea is warm, and the beaches are still full of people pretending the war is just a minor inconvenience.
We sent our reporter to the Côte d’Azur, where he found French citizens lounging on the sand, sipping pastis, and soaking up the sun as if it were just another summer holiday.
"War? What war?" asked Marie, 34, adjusting her sunglasses as she baked under the Mediterranean sun. "I mean, yes, the Germans are in Lyon, but have you seen this weather? 28 degrees, not a cloud in the sky. If I’m going to die, I’d rather do it with a tan."
Nearby, Pierre, 72, a war veteran who had had enough of killing Germans, was teaching his grandson how to build a sandcastle. "I fought in three wars," he said, patting the sand into place. "Now I just want to enjoy the beach. The Germans can have Alsace. They can have Lyon. Not for long of course, but if they touch this sand, I’ll have to get my rifle out again. And frankly, I’m too old for this shit."
Even the soldiers on leave can’t resist the call of the sea. Corporal Dubois, still in his uniform, was seen floating on a raft off the coast of Nice. "Orders are orders," he explained, "but if the sergeant can’t see me from here, does it really count as desertion?"
Meanwhile, in Brittany, the locals are treating the crisis like a particularly exciting tourist season. "The Germans are in Orléans? Fine. More room for us on the beach," said Yann, 42, as he drunk two bottle of cider.
Back in Paris, we managed to corner General Leclair, a high-ranking officer enjoying a rare moment of leave. "After these holidays?" he said, a sly smile playing on his lips. "Oh, we’ll take back everything we lost…" He let out a nervous chuckle, his eyes twinkling with a hint of mischief. "And maybe a little extra. BUT DON'T PRINT THAT !!!" He winked before walking off, leaving us to wonder just how far France plans to push back.
So yes, France is in trouble. But as long as there’s sun, sand, and a cold drink in hand, the French will keep smiling. Because if there’s one thing history has taught us, it’s that France always finds a way to turn even the darkest times into a postcard-worthy moment, and then into a brilliant comeback.
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