The Mozambique Adventure, Part II: The Prisoners of Paradise

This one has made a terrible discovery.

Paradise is boring.

Yes, yes. This one knows how that sounds.

After the rather unfortunate misunderstanding involving a free holiday, an unexpected Vice Presidency, a presidential resignation, a war with https://app.warera.io/country/683ddd2c24b5a2e114af15d3 and a credit card that nearly required its own humanitarian aid package, one would think this Khajiit would appreciate some peace and quiet.

And finally, there is peace.

The misunderstandings with the Mozambican Cabinet have been cleared up. This one is no longer involved in government, the political headaches have disappeared, and thanks to the generosity of https://app.warera.io/user/68e752e2dbe183fb259f200d, the credit card situation is no longer quite as terrifying.

There are beautiful beaches, warm sunshine, cold drinks and good company.

Everything this one originally wanted.

AND THIS ONE WANTS TO GO HOME.

Unfortunately, there is a small problem.

The Fine Print Strikes Again

You see, when that wonderful advertisement promising a free holiday in https://app.warera.io/country/683ddd2c24b5a2e114af15db appeared, this Khajiit was not the only fool who accepted.

Oh no.

Ten unsuspecting South Africans fell for it.

An entire collection of troublemakers, lured away from their homeland by the promise of sunshine, beaches and absolutely no expenses.

FREE HOLIDAY, THEY SAID.

WHAT COULD POSSIBLY GO WRONG, THEY SAID.

Well, dear readers, quite a lot, apparently.

It turns out our passports have all been flagged for further investigation.

Something about mandatory residency periods, suspiciously coordinated travel arrangements and an unusually large number of military personnel entering the country under the pretence of tourism.

The immigration office assures us that everything will be resolved in approximately two weeks.

TWO MORE WEEKS.

This one has considered appealing.

Unfortunately, the last time this Khajiit became involved in Mozambican administration, he somehow ended up Vice President.

Best not to risk it.

And so here we remain.

Ten South African holidaymakers.

Eight members of https://app.warera.io/mu/69a86f7a83c15481ff4a067c, the self-proclaimed finest Military Unit in South Africa.

Plus this Khajiit and his wife.

Trapped together on a beautiful beach.

With nothing to conquer.

And absolutely no idea what to do with ourselves.

A Beach Full of Dangerous People

https://app.warera.io/user/68e52840f23d7a975dd7988d is here.

Yes, THAT https://app.warera.io/user/68e52840f23d7a975dd7988d.

The woman whose contributions to https://app.warera.io/country/683ddd2c24b5a2e114af1612's population growth have become the stuff of legend.

This one has respectfully suggested that perhaps the beach is not the appropriate location for another baby boom.

She has made no promises.

Then there is https://app.warera.io/user/693afe3d19f6f7570796ae0a, this one's beloved wife and fellow WarErZA reporter, who has taken great pleasure in documenting her husband's increasingly desperate attempts to find entertainment.

Apparently, watching this Khajiit slowly lose his mind is excellent journalism.

https://app.warera.io/user/695e5249afc9aaee07e9eca7 is here too.

A peaceful beach holiday, naturally, is the perfect opportunity to discuss giant monsters destroying entire coastlines.

This one is beginning to suspect he sees Godzilla in every unusually large wave.

https://app.warera.io/user/68e752e2dbe183fb259f200d, the generous soul who helped rescue this one's finances, has been appointed unofficial Treasurer of the Holiday.

The credit card is now under strict supervision.

https://app.warera.io/user/69707d5eefc4d132963b5d01, South Africa's Vice President from last month, has also joined us.

This one had hoped that having another experienced politician around might lead to some interesting political discussion.

Instead, we have spent an unreasonable amount of time debating the allocation of beach chairs.

https://app.warera.io/user/68e57678d84c08e4887fd630 and https://app.warera.io/user/68e615d90c5a3ca691d5a0f1 are here as well, proudly representing IMPI.

https://app.warera.io/user/6960e28da966c4f3981d9b39 has also joined our unfortunate expedition, bringing the total number of highly trained soldiers stranded on this beach to an alarming figure.

And then there is https://app.warera.io/user/696ce9db4c56fa43feffa4a2.

Dear, determined https://app.warera.io/user/696ce9db4c56fa43feffa4a2.

Every day, without fail, https://app.warera.io/user/696ce9db4c56fa43feffa4a2 asks where we are fighting and what the orders are.

While the rest of us have surrendered to sunscreen and cocktails, https://app.warera.io/user/696ce9db4c56fa43feffa4a2 continues the war effort.

This one admires the dedication.

This one also finds it rather depressing.

Operation Sandcastle

Eventually, this one decided that something had to be done.

If we could not find a battlefield, we would create one.

Thus began Operation Sandcastle.

https://app.warera.io/mu/69a86f7a83c15481ff4a067c's finest were assembled for what this one described as a critical coastal defence exercise.

https://app.warera.io/user/68e57678d84c08e4887fd630 and https://app.warera.io/user/68e615d90c5a3ca691d5a0f1 were assigned to engineering.

https://app.warera.io/user/6960e28da966c4f3981d9b39 took command of coastal patrols.

https://app.warera.io/user/69707d5eefc4d132963b5d01 was tasked with organising the chain of command.

https://app.warera.io/user/68e52840f23d7a975dd7988d was placed in charge of recruitment, although this one immediately regretted the wording.

https://app.warera.io/user/695e5249afc9aaee07e9eca7 insisted that the fortress required defences against giant radioactive monsters.

https://app.warera.io/user/693afe3d19f6f7570796ae0a photographed the proceedings.

https://app.warera.io/user/68e752e2dbe183fb259f200d refused to approve the proposed military budget.

And https://app.warera.io/user/696ce9db4c56fa43feffa4a2 wanted to know which actual battle he was supposed to be shooting in.

After several hours, our fortress was complete.

A magnificent sandcastle.

Four towers.

Three defensive walls.

An impressive moat.

And a carefully positioned command centre beneath a beach umbrella.

This one proudly declared the operation a success.

Then the tide came in.

Our eastern defences collapsed.

The moat flooded.

One of the towers disappeared.

https://app.warera.io/user/695e5249afc9aaee07e9eca7 shouted something about a sea monster.

https://app.warera.io/user/69707d5eefc4d132963b5d01 attempted to organise an orderly evacuation.

https://app.warera.io/user/68e52840f23d7a975dd7988d suggested we simply recruit more builders.

https://app.warera.io/user/6960e28da966c4f3981d9b39 reported that the enemy had breached the coastal perimeter.

And https://app.warera.io/user/696ce9db4c56fa43feffa4a2, entirely unimpressed, asked whether he could return to fighting actual enemies.

https://app.warera.io/mu/69a86f7a83c15481ff4a067c had lost its first major engagement against the Indian Ocean.

The ocean suffered no confirmed casualties.

The Crab Insurgency

Our next military operation began when https://app.warera.io/user/6960e28da966c4f3981d9b39 reported suspicious movement along the shoreline.

An enemy reconnaissance unit.

This one immediately ordered the troops to assemble.

Upon closer inspection, the threat was identified.

A crab.

One particularly aggressive-looking crab.

https://app.warera.io/user/68e57678d84c08e4887fd630 and https://app.warera.io/user/68e615d90c5a3ca691d5a0f1 were ordered to reinforce the perimeter.

https://app.warera.io/user/695e5249afc9aaee07e9eca7 insisted the crab was merely the juvenile form of something much larger.

https://app.warera.io/user/69707d5eefc4d132963b5d01 attempted diplomatic negotiations.

https://app.warera.io/user/68e52840f23d7a975dd7988d wanted to know whether it had any friends.

https://app.warera.io/user/693afe3d19f6f7570796ae0a began preparing the headline:

"FORMER VICE PRESIDENT DECLARES WAR ON LOCAL CRUSTACEAN."

https://app.warera.io/user/68e752e2dbe183fb259f200d refused to fund the operation.

https://app.warera.io/user/696ce9db4c56fa43feffa4a2 asked whether the crab counted towards his daily damage.

And this one?

This one prepared for battle.

Unfortunately, the crab escaped beneath a rock before hostilities could commence.

A tactical retreat, according to this one's official report.

A complete embarrassment, according to his wife.

https://app.warera.io/user/6960e28da966c4f3981d9b39 has since reported further sightings.

This one fears we may be dealing with an organised crustacean resistance movement.

A Khajiit Without His Damage

And through all of this, there is one rather unfortunate problem.

This one's rifle appears to have forgotten how to fight.

There was a time when 5,000 damage was barely worth mentioning.

A sneeze.

An accidental discharge while reaching for a sweet roll.

Now?

After an entire day of shooting, cleaning, adjusting and occasionally pleading with the rifle, this one is lucky to reach that number.

This one has checked the scope.

Inspected the ammunition.

Considered whether the enemy has simply stopped taking him seriously.

The conclusion is unavoidable.

This one has not become a worse marksman.

This one has become a tourist.

Meanwhile, somewhere out there, proper wars are being fought.

Soldiers are dealing millions of damage.

Commanders are coordinating offensives.

Battlefields are changing hands.

And this one?

This one is losing a territorial dispute to a crab.

Fourteen Days to Freedom

And so, dear readers, this is where you find us.

The Mozambican Cabinet is getting on with governing.

The passport office refuses to release any of us.

The rifle has forgotten how to deal damage.

https://app.warera.io/mu/69a86f7a83c15481ff4a067c has been defeated by the ocean.

A crab remains at large.

And this one's wife has enough embarrassing material for approximately seventeen articles.

Perhaps there is a lesson here.

Perhaps this one should learn to appreciate peace.

Perhaps spending time with friends on a beautiful beach is more important than chasing battles across the world.

Perhaps the real treasure was the memories we made along the way.

— https://app.warera.io/user/68e538c09c4aafa6f1a0bd5c
Former Vice President, Former Minister of Foreign Affairs, Current Commander of the Mozambican Beach Defence Force

Click to expand

P.S. Recruitment for the Beach Defence Force is currently open. Applicants must bring their own towels, sunscreen and preferably some experience dealing with hostile crustaceans.

P.P.S. https://app.warera.io/user/6960e28da966c4f3981d9b39 reports that the crab has returned. It appears to have brought reinforcements.

P.P.P.S. https://app.warera.io/user/68e52840f23d7a975dd7988d has asked whether the Beach Defence Force has a recruitment programme. This one is concerned.

P.P.P.P.S. https://app.warera.io/user/696ce9db4c56fa43feffa4a2 has asked for battle orders again. Someone please give that man a war.

P.P.P.P.P.S. Thirteen days, twenty-three hours and fifty-nine minutes remaining. Not that this one is counting.