The Only Candidate With Nothing to Hide... Except the Money

My Fellow Citizens of Ireland...

People keep asking me, "Ledgerman, what will you do if elected President?"

At last, a politician brave enough to answer honestly.

Absolutely nothing.

Not because I can't... but because I'll be far too busy helping the one Irish citizen who truly matters.

Me.

My opponents in People for Profit have got it all wrong. They're trying to profit for the people. Amateurs. I believe in Profit from the People. It's simpler, more efficient, and far more lucrative.

For three glorious days I shall seize every ounce of power the office accidentally gives me, raid every ceremonial biscuit tin, expense every sandwich, upgrade the presidential nest to luxury waterfront accommodation, and ensure that every taxpayer-funded vehicle has enough room in the back for several sacks marked "Definitely Not Public Money."

My opponents promise housing.

I promise myself another holiday.

My opponents promise healthcare.

I promise a gold-plated birdbath.

My opponents promise transparency.

I promise heavily redacted bank statements.

And unlike every other politician, I won't spend years pretending I'm not in it for myself. You'll know exactly where your money has gone—straight into my nest, where it belongs.

Some call this corruption.

I call it cutting out the middleman.

Now, critics will ask, "But Ledgerman, what about the people of Ireland?"

To which I say...

"What about them?"

For too long, politicians have wasted time fixing roads, funding hospitals and improving services. I refuse to be distracted by such nonsense. My administration will focus entirely on what truly matters: my pension, my expenses, and making sure future historians describe my presidency as "astonishingly profitable."

Thank you, God bless Ireland...

...and please keep a close eye on your chips.