The Tragic Tale of Edible Bullets: A Soldier’s Plea

Fellow beings of earth, citizens, commanders, and anyone with loose change,

I come before you today with a heavy heart… and an even heavier stomach.

You see, our nation recently invested in what was promised to be a revolutionary innovation: edible bullets. Yes, ammunition you can fire and eat. A logistical miracle! A culinary triumph! A terrible idea!

At first, morale skyrocketed. Soldiers were excited. “Fire now, snack later!” they cheered.

But then we encountered a small issue:
The bullets taste REALLY good.

Our troops have developed a bad habit before the enemy even arrives, they’re already dipping into the ammo crates like it’s a buffet. Machine-gunners are seasoning their belts with paprika. Snipers now pair their rounds with dipping sauces. One man attempted to make an entire charcuterie board out of shotgun shells.

We have lost 17 battles because the frontline showed up holding forks instead of rifles.

Therefore, I humbly ask, no, beg you to support our cause. We desperately need funding for:

• More edible bullets (for morale).

• Non-edible bullets (for actually fighting).

• And possibly a nutritionist, because Private Jenkins just ate an entire crate and is glowing slightly.

Your contributions will help ensure that our soldiers can both feast and fight, preferably in that order.

Please donate generously.
Every coin brings us one step closer to victory… or at least to lunchtime.

— A Hungry, Slightly Concerned Soldier