TLN Exclusive - CCC: Congressional Candidate Cucking June

by JacqueDeBalsac

Another month, another election. This month we might even see some crazy things happening since we finally got King https://app.warera.io/user/691d7aefc66380bdd827820f on the throne (stay tuned for his Pikrofoon interview).

The exams are taking away a lot of time from our students who were running in congress and government the months before, so it’s up to the new players and the old geezers like myself to step up!

In true JacqueTheModzac fashion, I’ve gathered all congress candidates and will share my insights and insider knowledge on them so all you patriots can make a well informed vote.

Allez-y!

https://app.warera.io/user/69b311efcbf2b5c108a623af

Ah, JordoLongo! Or should I say... DodoLongo? Sacrebleu, https://app.warera.io/user/694a4723e9ff39564a8e587c really pinned a nice, soft label on this one, didn't he? But between you and me, looking at his history of shaking things up, I think Dild DodoLongo suits him much better because he just loves to thrust himself right into the hard places and stir the pot until everyone is screaming! This bastardico has been Belgiums dissident voice for months, always bringing his completely ongezouten mening to the table. Dodo is the absolute grand-master of sowing divide. He knows that if you split the citizens wide open, they are much easier to conquer! It's a classic Latin maxim (Divide and Conquer) and this guy loves to play at maximum friction. I must ask mon ami, what's with that German obsession?

https://app.warera.io/user/69768f616363ef33d61d1470

Ah, A_Maarten! De flauwerik! He posted his candidacy stating, “I’m not convinced that being in Congress is necessary for me to contribute.”

Mais enfin, Maarten! If you aren’t convinced yourself, maybe old Jacque needs to do some more convincing for you: and thrust some inspiration right into your soft spots!

To get the crowd excited, I am offering Jacque’s exclusive feet pics for all the A_Maarten voters! Hot, wrinkled, and highly patriotic! The only thing Maarten lacks is self-confidence. You need to stand up straight and stiff! Just like my beautiful Pikrofoon.

https://app.warera.io/user/6988c571c5c82ef9ae1b73cb

The shortest candidacy ever written, gal! Why? Because she’s Aslani b*tch, and she’s coming for all your asses if you don’t vote for her!

Aslani is Belgium's first Empress on the rise and we absolutely need her in congress. This might finally be the start of her hostile take-over, and sacrebleu, boy would I love to be taken over by her! Besides tending to all her cucks in her private Discord, she also found the time to code a massive, throbbing beast of a tool for the Belgian community. As Ex Minister of Technology, I must say her coding skills make my Pikrofoon stand up straight with pride!

While I understand she is currently running for congress, I wouldn’t mind seeing her on the throne soon. I’ll gladly be her personal lap dog then. Move over, Obi, there is a new dawg in town!

https://app.warera.io/user/6976a8203af9f6490858ca61

Still my boss, yes… (Jacque’s a loyal b*tch when it comes to work) and still one of the most genuine citizens I’ve met in Belgium. I’ve yet to find nasty things to say about this beautiful vent.

Although, mon cher ami… if you want to be in Congress, you might want to wake up a little earlier! Clearing your factories at 10 - 12 AM daily is just preposterous! Congress never sleeps, especially not when Babu’s in charge! Time is money, friend, and a limp, sleepy factory queue makes old Jacque very sad!

Belgium needs you wide awake and fully erect for the nation by sunrise!

https://app.warera.io/user/695a8673b00a4dc3ab275282

My good old friend Bogger! We’ve had a spicy run-in with some well-established citizens some time ago due to some NSFW drama on Discord, but who the hell cares, amirite!? (I am looking right at you, https://app.warera.io/user/69473e14ea286bea1b3f3cc2, you absolute partypooper!)

This magnificent man is the chief executive editor, writer, reporter, and journalist for the State Gazette, and miljardedju, he has been doing so wonderfully! The State Gazette has honestly become Jacque’s favorite news outlet, even before TLN!

This tri-lingual beast might still have the most godawful, unsexy name in the entire game, but let’s be honest with each other, mon ami: what’s in a name? It is not the name that matters, it is the sheer size of the journalistic package you bring to the table!

He has my complete, rock-hard support for Congress!

https://app.warera.io/user/699b81e4b232a1efded9bd3e

Now here is a very interesting specimen for our beautiful Belgian congress! This bastaard has never actually been in congress before, but fieux, he is already better at name-dropping his competitors than old Jacque will ever be!

He is a very active player, that is for sure, but the man has never touched a pen, nor written a single article in his entire life. He leaves the heavy lifting of the press to the professionals at TLN, naturellement! But do not let his lack of vocabulary fool you, because his very first company is called... “Stalen Kloten”! Miljaar, iron balls! And for that magnificent reason alone, I would highly urge all of you beautiful belgskes to vote for him! A man with balls of steel is exactly what our country needs!

They do say he’s not very Contrair, but very much a dick IRL. Well, as your patriotic reporter, I must say... a solid, hard D is exactly what we need to penetrate the deep layers of political corruption our country!

https://app.warera.io/user/6952bb7eacdca89d86ebb496

Now here is a candidate who would be a absolute sta(b)ple addition to our Belgian congress!

This dedicated vent has been writing for the State Gazette under https://app.warera.io/user/695a8673b00a4dc3ab275282 for quite some time now, to much of everyone’s enjoyment. He really knows how to handle a pen, which is a rare quality among these politicians! Honestly, besides his notorious paardenmuil (and believe me, old Jacque knows a thing or two about having a big mouth) I have absolutely nothing dirty to say about him.

He is also the legend who referred the big https://app.warera.io/user/6976999c59a84b0ddaed2489 into Belgium, and for that, we owe him many thanks! Miljaar, it makes me wonder though... what exactly is their juicy little relationship? And more importantly, can old Jacque be part of it? I am always ready to thrust myself and my Pikrofoon right into a tight, collaborative political alliance!

https://app.warera.io/user/69a6d27543bacf2775b97b6a

Our absolutely famous and favorite Belgian Corgi! This magnificent dawg does so much more than just sniff butts and run around chasing balls all day in the WarEra fields!

This brilliant CorgiBro has edited some of the most beautiful, jaw-droppingly patriotic, and strong Belgian propaganda videos this nation has ever witnessed! Miljaar, it brings tears of national pride to my eyes! He is a true pillar of our community, and he is always right there on the scene the second his sharp little nose catches wind of some suspicious "cases" or rule-breakers. A top-tier investigator!

Honestly, if our lovely CorgiBro weren’t so damn pink, I would love for him to come over and sniff my stink! Though I must behave myself just a petit peu now that I am a serious moderator... but a little naughty-talk never hurt a loyal citizen!

He has my complete, undying patriotic support for Congress!

https://app.warera.io/user/69a4bf37453e47d4b80d3e63

Now here is a candidate who truly knows how to get the blood pumping in the deep, dark veins of our Belgian congress!

Some argue it’s the absolute greatest roleplay Belgium has ever seen in WarEra, while others... well, others still don’t trust her because of her past allegiance to Germany. Miljaar, those Germans and their efficient machinery! But let old Jacque tell you something, mes amis: as the Ex-Minister of Technology, I appreciate a woman who knows how to operate heavy equipment!

In any case, Succubus has been a highly welcome, incredibly stimulating addition to our congress. Quite often, she goes on these wild medical rants about her “patients” (which everyone in the streets knows is actually just a disguised, naughty name for her helpless “slaves and cucks”)! Ohlala, it makes my monocle fog up just thinking about it!

As a leading figure and a helpful moderator for the community, I must say... we need a strong, dominant hand to keep our citizens in line, and she certainly knows how to handle a whip --- er, I mean, a political debate! She has my highly aroused, deeply patriotic support!

https://app.warera.io/user/68412b1d29de6212dc55f829

This Legendary Belgian Sugar Daddy has finally rejoined our glorious motherland!

And what was his very first move, mes enfants? He completely muted our King https://app.warera.io/user/691d7aefc66380bdd827820f! Miljaar, that takes some serious, unadulterated kloten! Talk about an anarchistic entrance that makes old Jacque’s heart sing! He is a man of few words, but absolutely massive actions.

Word on the streets is that the sheer size of his piece breaks tables, foundations, concrete, and entire political alliances at the mere sight! Talk about massive Big D energy! But the man himself simply refers to it as... A D causing Rifts! Ohlala, a weapon of mass destruction right in his pants.

I will officially investigate the structural damage caused by him, avec plaisir!

https://app.warera.io/user/69b7bf95ca9a42b7ef66b7de

Quelle legendary name! Just hearing it makes old Jacque hungry for a giant pakske frites from the frituur!

This dedicated vent has been a first-hour fan of the glorious Piss color, and he is trying to penetrate his way into congress for a second time! The first time did not quite work out, dommage, but as a true volhouderke, he is right back here again, pushing forward with maximum effort! You have to admire that kind of stamina!

And let’s be entirely honest with each other, mes enfants, with a name like "Ne grote met mayo," he would be the absolute perfect, creamiest companion for mijne kleinen die stinkt!

I officially declare that Belgium needs more big, saucy personalities like him to keep the government greasy and efficient!

https://app.warera.io/user/699326a1ae67c0395a128738

My IRL buddy is also going for congress again!

Well, let old Jacque be completely transparent with the people: I have absolutely nothing good to say about him! Not one single thing! This kapoen is always the very first one to arrive at my house, where he proceeds to drink all of my precious beer, completely knocks me out cold, and then (miljaar, the absolute audacity) he wipes his dirty D right on my living room curtains! Preposterous! My poor wife has to scrub those drapes for hours!

But hey... besides that minor property damage and substance/pill abuse, he’s actually quite a nice guy, n’est-ce pas? A true gentleman of the nightlife! He certainly brings that chaotic, anarchistic energy that our Belgian government desperately needs!

https://app.warera.io/user/6976999c59a84b0ddaed2489

Here's a candidate with absolutely the best, most minimalist name in the entire game! Short, sharp, and straight to the point, just like a crisp glass of Stella Artois!

This vent is always, without fail, one of the very first to reply in congress. Aside from him being an incredibly fast voter and the first one to critique every single piece of legislation, I must admit... he is secretly one of Jacque’s absolute favorites in congress! The guy runs his mouth like the beer tap in my stamcafé on a Saturday night: it just keeps flowing, and nobody wants it to stop! Miljaarde, the energy is beautiful!

Now, he claims and says to be an entirely independent candidate, but come on, mes amis, we all know the juicy truth behind closed doors! He secretly admires a spot in https://app.warera.io/party/69e22803e64f9fd7291386b7 and next to King Babu!

https://app.warera.io/user/697710c9bb31638073c2dced

One of our absolute prime suspects from the MBKA elite! This wealthy ventje is currently hiding out in Eco, shamelessly mocking me with his massive 30K wealth while boasting that he’s done three times the total damage old Jacque has ever managed to pull off! Miljaar, that is a lot of raw, destructive power to brag about!

He claims to be a very active, upstanding citizen who proudly stated that “there’s no place for sabotage inside a nation.” But let’s be entirely honest, mes amis; those must be pure, unfiltered lies! How else on earth did we get King Babu on his throne if not through some beautifully dirty, backroom sabotage?

I love a man who knows how to handle big numbers, even if his propaganda is a bit stiff! He has my deeply suspicious, yet highly aroused and patriotic support!

https://app.warera.io/user/69a986a9a487a2280bec9e2a

My favorite garagist in the entire nation, aside from our other legendary mechanic DodoLongo! Anyone who has ever brought their vehicle to DDT's workshop will completely agree with me; this clever menneke always makes a profit! Ptn fieux, his cash register just keeps on ringing!

He has been loudly broadcasting that he will be giving a special "prix d’amis" to absolutely everyone who casts a vote for him in this election. But come on, we all know that to be a massive, beautifully crafted lie! He will most likely verdeel het geld onder de armen... Zijn eigen armen weliswaar!

I must respect a man who understands how to grease the wheels of capitalism, even if he is a greedy capitalist kapoen! He has my complete, profit-maximizing, nationalistic support!

https://app.warera.io/user/699b19a570876ee430a4841c

Ah, ROTRUY! Sacrebleu, the masked candidate himself, sneaking around as part of https://app.warera.io/party/698dfcf9570bf123aa2b4ff1!

This amazingly active congress member acts a whole lot more like an absolute autist than a traditional, boring politician. But miljaar, you have to respect the grind. He is always right there with his voice, loudly broadcasting his opinions, even though he has absolutely never revealed his true face to the public! Talk about a mysterious kereltje!

Now, some suspicious people in the streets suspect him of secretly being a multi-account of The_Nederbelg. And let old Jacque assure you... he probably is!

We smell that multi-accounting stank from a mile away! But as long as he votes for the glory of Belgium, let him keep his little mask on! It adds a certain naughtyness to the debates, n’est-ce pas?

https://app.warera.io/user/6953fbf4ee2779e168e5a460

This guy… he goes on these incredibly long walks all over the beautiful Dender region without ever once inviting old Jacque or little Obi along! Dju, talk about hurtful! Instead, he is always stoefing and bragging about his own massive wealth (and his party's wealth) without ever sharing a single frank with the people. A true Hollander by heart, mes amis! Let us not forget how the previous legislation completely managed to drain our precious staatskas by placing the absolute wrong bets (during the infamous Crate-Gate disaster) and him being left with the stront.

However, I must admit, the crazy dutchie builds some truly amazing digital tools to assist us (and, of course, to verrijk his own pockets at the same time). He proudly stated he’s a student in Computer Science, which is exactly why I deeply suspect the entire DCP party of being nothing but his personal, illegal army of multi-accounts! When does this man ever sleep, alstublieft? He must be a bot running on a hidden server!

He has my complete, highly suspicious, yet deeply patriotic and loving support!

https://app.warera.io/user/69ebe4d0766ce60b7679f0e2

This beautiful soul probably had the greatest, most spectacular candidature on Discord of them all! Aside from that hilarious little joke about some cool new breeze blowing through congress, old Jacque would strongly urge everyone to vote for her!

I'm sitting here eagerly waiting for Smurfenberge Off Season 4 and the highly anticipated release of the Samson Files. Miljaar, I just hope with all my heart they are exactly as filthy and NSFW as I believe they are!

My dearest Pommerigio, you must absolutely give me a call at 0477 78 94 56 right now so TLN can have the ultimate, exclusive scoop on all that delicious nastiness! You know Jacque deeply loves the blue-skinned ladies!

https://app.warera.io/user/69c4dc19cde5836cb7979931

Ah, my dearest Jantje! Sacrebleu, my favorite protégé who has grown to become a massive, unstoppable powerhouse of a citizen!

Now, while absolutely everyone on the streets thought that Jan was securely tucked away in my own pocket, it’s actually quite the opposite, old Jacque is currently knee-deep in his! The dynamic is beautifully backwards! The only incredibly nasty, unfiltered thing I have left to say to him is this: F*CKING FIX YOUR PROFILE PICTURE, IT’S STILL TURNED COMPLETELY SIDEWAYS GODDAMN IT! It gives me a severe neck cramp just looking at it!

I must demand some technical profile-picture order in this glorious nation! But outside of his photography failures, this sonnovabish has my total, fierce support!

These were the discord candidates, but as always there’s also candidates who are lazy and only post their candidacy ingame. I will therefor be lazy aswel and summarize them here! :4Evil:

https://app.warera.io/user/69ae007fa583a3b5f9eb48e8

The profile picture truly says it all with this one!

Now, everyone knows that old Jacque is fiercely pro-Belgian and absolutely anti-divide, so I will be generous and let that regional name slide for now! This active beestje is apparently tucked deep in the sac with https://app.warera.io/user/69a4bf37453e47d4b80d3e63, and has officially taken over the prestigious commander position from https://app.warera.io/user/69962d16ad578e2ef06c31d3. I am definitely looking forward to seeing and hearing much more from this creature in the field!

https://app.warera.io/user/69775cc6434a5842e09e19d3

Legendary pink sucking machine straight from Aloste!

This candidate is incredible because you can literally summon them on command just by yelling “Aalst, Ajuin, or Marginaal” loudly in the Discord. Miljaar, they always answer the call! This candidate is absolutely prime for office because I am completely sure they will vote fast and furious. We just need our government to get accustomed to contacting him through @aalst instead of @congress!

https://app.warera.io/user/69a1f090e0f6a03cb88c473f

The highly available IT’er who has been on my personal watch-list for some time now!

This sneaky ventje is highly active in recruiting new blood for Belgium, yet he has absolutely no single referral to show for it… miljaar, it is truly time to bring change to that, mon ami! Birow is the perfect embodiment of the famous “Belgian nod” => always acknowledging he’s there in the background, but never ever stepping directly into the spotlight. A true silent warrior of the keyboard!

https://app.warera.io/user/69a3986a44ecd47e60609e44

This crazy sob has been absolutely recruiting so many citizens into Belgium lately, it is completely insane!

Let me tell you something, mes enfants: if every single one of those fresh new citizens doesn’t vote for him, old Jacque will personally ban absolutely all of them! /jk (non, actually, I am totally not joking, I am watching you all).

Lately, wild Jambert has been going a bit quieter, and Jacque does not know why. Miljaar, it makes my patriotic heart sad! I am eagerly looking forward to him spewing some more delicious juice in the chats again, because he has truly been one of my absolute favorites since his very day one in this country!

https://app.warera.io/user/69772cc881af219a707489ab

Finally time to address the elephant in the room!

This guy at times has the absolute biggest mouth of them all, and is always loudly calling everyone else out on their nonsense. To be completely honest, mes amis, Jacque doesn’t even know if it is just his roleplay persona or his true, unfiltered identity! Anyway, old Jacque has finally caught up with him in level, although he still completely eludes me on companies and total wealth... miljaar, it makes my pockets weep with envy!

I must admit, he must be a fun boss to work for. This genius has exactly 6 wide-open vacancies for employees at a nice, 0,13 wage... but currently has 0 spots filled! Wat een klucht! Does nobody want to work for that pocket change, or is it because of his runny mouth?

https://app.warera.io/user/69abda911f0663a58dfceda1

Look, I really did not want to get into this guy because he has been actively raising serious unrest in our beautiful country!

And worst of all, mes enfants: he has never once invited old Jacque on a proper smoking session, and has sinds kort turned completely to religion for Tanks’ Sake! Miljaar, what a plot twist! He claims he absolutely dislikes smurfs, but we all know most Christians secretly like small blue beings... quelle hypocrisie!

https://app.warera.io/user/69175a4947cb935b3e09c080

Old geezer Rups truly doesn’t need any introduction at all!

Though between you and me, mes amis, I heard a juicy little rumor that he still has to pay for that custom cupholder that was installed by https://app.warera.io/party/69cff2e87c951c1d66a0708f on his jet! Miljaar, pay your debts, mon ami! This legendary citizen has been in nearly every position possible in our country, which I guess is exactly where his nickname “Flexy Rupsken” comes from... tiens, sounds a bit stout, non?

https://app.warera.io/user/696e314a9fcc1dc99ed414a6

Last, and most certainly least, we have myself. JacqueTheModsac.

Let's be completely honest mes enfants, I bring absolutely NOTHING to the table! Rien du tout.

In fact, I have already been outed as the shadow of the shadow-government. A true puppetmaster lurking deep in the darkest crevices.

The only reason why any sane citizen should vote for me is if all other glorious candidates above have personally kicked you in the shins.

I am looking directly at you, https://app.warera.io/user/6915e6af459a980afd921351! Vote for this shadow-man... or else!

Tiens, it seems we have run out of candidates to roast and grill! What a beautiful day for Belgian democrazy! A Cristalle'ke for me please, https://app.warera.io/user/6915348217a579f225d11019 and give the rest ook ietsken!

Thank you all for being part of this amazing community!