BREAKING — MOSCOW — In a surprise strategic development, military analysts report that Lithuania has reportedly shifted its effort to recapture Moscow by relying on Polish proxy forces, a move experts say could dramatically reduce the rate of Lithuanian tear production caused by earlier loss and potentially prevent the forecast 12-meter rise in global sea levels, as was explained in the previous article
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The emergency session of the International Oceanographic Institute was briefly suspended after preliminary models showed a 73% reduction in projected crying emissions.
"We're cautiously optimistic," said one climatologist. "Lithuanians seem hopeful to recapture Moscow, they have stopped crying and are focusing on fighting "
Early simulations suggest that if Poland assumes full operational responsibility, global sea-level rise may be downgraded from "biblical catastrophe" to "slightly damp socks."
Financial markets reacted immediately. Price of paper plunged 18% due to an "abundance of tissue paper" in the global market but no tears to wipe. Paper manufacturers hope for a Lithuanian win so that the tissues can be purchased by Russians.
The Netherlands, which had already begun towing Amsterdam toward Switzerland, has paused the relocation.
"We've spent billions moving canals uphill," said a Dutch official. "Hopefully we can turn this convoy around."
Not everyone is convinced. Intelligence agencies warn that if the Polish operation stalls, Lithuania could once again be forced onto the front lines, triggering what analysts have dubbed "The Second Great Moistening."
Meanwhile, the United Nations has kept its Global Emotional Flood Warning at Level Orange, advising coastal residents to remain vigilant and to avoid showing Lithuanian soldiers old screenshots of battle "until further notice."