Citizens of Belgiumland,
It is a truth universally acknowledged, or at least universally suspected, that any candidate promising to serve the public is either lying or has not yet discovered where the money is kept. I have discovered where the money is kept. I would like to be honest with you about this, which already puts me in a rare category of politician, roughly as common as a humble Frenchman.
My platform is simple, and this is the entire platform:
All the money goes to me. Every tax, every treasury coin, every last cent will flow directly into my personal account, by a route so straightforward that even the Belgian government could not possibly complicate it. Experts say this is impossible. Experts also said it was impossible for Belgium to go 541 days without a government, and we barely noticed.
Government positions go to the highest bidder. Should you wish to be Minister of Defense, simply make an offer. Qualifications are optional, though a large wallet is strongly recommended and a small one will be treated as a personal insult. Loyalty is guaranteed for precisely as long as the checks clear, which is usually the same length of time as Ruben van Gucht not appearing on television.
Why vote for me?The other candidates will feed you some bullshit AI generated pamphlet trying to appeal to your emotions. I would never appeal to your emotion or in fact any emotion. I will steal from you, tell you in advance, and then do it anyway, with a smile and too many ecocheques i can't do anything with. In a world where politicians lie to you and then steal your money, at least you shall have honesty.
My slogan:
"Unity makes strength. Bribery makes unity."
Vote LunchTime. Your money is in very safe hands. Mine.
jwz