My fellow citizens of Ireland,
Why waste your vote on honest politicians? They've no experience.
Vote for Ledgerman, the battle-scarred seagull standing for the United People of Ireland, a bird who's been circling the corridors of power for so long he remembers when brown envelopes were considered a legitimate filing system.
Some say Ledgerman is the spiritual lovechild of Charles Haughey's confidence, Bertie Ahern's uncanny memory for inconvenient details, and a seagull that once mugged a tourist outside Supermac's. I say that's exactly the sort of experience this country was built on.
Planning permission? Ledgerman knows a lad.
Regeneration funding? Somehow it always lands suspiciously close to his favourite rooftop.
Conflict of interest? The only conflict is deciding which chip shop deserves his patronage today.
He's survived tribunals (by simply flying away), ignored awkward questions from journalists with a well-timed screech, and has never knowingly declared ownership of any nest that might raise further enquiries.
Unlike ordinary politicians, Ledgerman doesn't pretend to be squeaky clean. If he's stealing your chips, he'll do it in broad daylight, maintain eye contact, and somehow convince you it was in the national interest.
Ireland has tried reform. Ireland has tried transparency. Isn't it time we embraced tradition?
This election, vote for the candidate who's shameless, fearless, and already has enough feathers to comfortably ruffle a few.
Vote Ledgerman.
"Making Ireland Great Again... for people who know a fella."